Friday, June 17, 2011

The Best Dad...

We are truly blessed by all the fathers in our lives. We certianly feel we have the best dads around, they are all beyond amazing. While it's wonderful to celebrate them and we will do so on Sunday, I (Jennifer) can't help but be saddened that we don't have sweet Reese here to celebrate with us, or that I am no longer carrying her as we had hoped for at this time. It's comforting to know, as we said in previous posts, that she is with our Heavenly father and no better place for her than there, but oh so selfishy do we still wish she was here, every single day we wish that, but even moreso when we feel the sting of a holiday. Our hearts very much still ache for her. We have constant reminders of what to us "isn't right" when we go along with our days, and it is beyond hard to get back in the 'swing of things' after having her for 28 weeks and looking forward to a lifetime with her.

Father's Day is hard for so many people, certainly not just us. All the many that have lost their dads too soon, so many that are longing to be a dad, and then the awkward category of us........ the ones that had and lost. I know we are not alone in that category, and that is comforting and also heartbreaking. To celebrate, to not celebrate, to acknowledge or to ignore as best we can? It's tough. Our families look to us for our lead and frankly, Jimmy & I, as well as them, are all walking on unsure waters of what is acceptable and "right" to do without making anyone feel uneasy. I know that our family & close friends, and many of you would say you know that Jimmy is a father, he created sweet Reese, he is her father. He cared for me like nothing else while shew as in my tummy, he spoke to her, he prayed for her, he longed for her, and he still longs for her. And sadly,because she is not here on this earth, we question the celebration styles. One thing is certain, Jimmy will always be Miss Rebecca Reese Martin's father.

I know that it's hard to explain or say the right words in these types of situations, but I've realized to ignore it, is even worse. Jimmy not only loved and took care of Reese & I for 28 weeks, he had to make some hard decisons that no daddy should ever have to do. He held my hand and sweetly rubbed my hair, when we got the diagnosis at 12 weeks that she was not well, he comforted us over and over. He went to every specialist doctor apppointment we had, which as you know, there were many. He smiled at her face and profile, everytime we got to see an ultrasound of our sweet girl.He cherished the many pictures we got each visit. He held onto them and protects them like crazy. He had the strength to ask each Doctor we saw the questions I couldn't bear to ask. He spent time researching his daughter's condition in hopeful preperation that she would be with us. He longed to give her the best life possible here. He had to be the voice for our little family and talk to the nurses and Doctors as we prepared for delivering her that day. He stayed up all night before her delivery checking on me, He clutched my hand in a tight grip with our arms bent and stood close to me, encouraging me every step while we brought Reese into this world. He loved on his daughter when he first saw her as much as he could. He prayed over her little body for her when we held her. Instead of signing a birth certificate, he had to sign papers of her final resting place. He had to make decisions for her that I couldn't face myself. There were lots of things that had to be done while were were at the hospital that he throughly thought through each decision on his daughters behalf. He had to endure the pain of losing his only daughter, and he has done it with so much grace and strength. He has strength I envy, he has grace I admire and he has so much faith, that he spends hours talking to me about how confident he is that this will be redeemed and has a purpose. (I'm faithful, but I'm still struggling with the why's and the purpose). As Reese rejoices and sits with her Heavenly Father this Sunday, I can't help but have faith that she feels and knows her earthly father's love for her as well. The only person that could have loved her more is who she is with now and I pray she knows that.

Happy Father's Day to someone that has had to say goodbye too soon, to someone with enough love for his daughter to fill the earth, to someone who's heart still aches and longs for what is not here, and to someone that absolutely never failed his daughter. She was blessed beyond measure to be your daughter Jimmy Martin, and I know one day, when the time comes, she will be able to tell you that face to face.

So, I choose to celebrate this Sunday. Celebrate the dads in our lives, celebrate the abundance of blessings we have from them. The countless ways they have been there for us, the strength and Godly love they have shown to us, the protection they've given us and the love they all had for Reese. I choose to celebrate the blessings of them and even with sadness and a still very broken heart, I still choose to celebrate my husband, and his blessings as a father to Reese. No greater a man to have been hers.....


Abby said...

What a beautiful tribute to Jimmy. Thinking of you both often.

Love, Abby

Alison said...

Although I don't know you personally, you all are in my prayers.

I once heard someone say that there isn't a word that exists when you lose a child. There are widows and orphans, but there isn't a word for it because it's not supposed to happen.

I have a friend whose son passed away, and someone sent her this poem. I hope it gives you some peace:

Sweet Child
by Unknown Author

God made a sweet child
a child who never grew old
...He made a smile of sunshine
He molded a heart of pure gold.
He made that child as close to an angel
as anyone ever could be
God made a Sweet Child
and He gave that dear child to me
Then God saw His wonderful creation
growing very tired and weak
so He wrapped the child in His loving arms
and said, "You my child I keep"
But now my Sweet Child is an angel
Free from hurt and pain
I'll love you forever, until we meet again
So many times I have missed you
So many times I have cried
If all my love could have saved you
Sweet Child you never would have died.

HappyascanB said...

Absolutely positively beautiful, precious friend. Praying for y'all!

Gormangirl said...

I can attest that neither one of you ever failed Reese and that Jimmy is an excellent father! I so appreciate his integrity , humor, and heart. He has navigated the current waters with wisdom and grace. I'm ever so grateful to God for bringing him into your life, My life, and my boys life. Still praying for you both! Happy Fathers Day Jimmy Martin! We love you!

Susan said...

Jennifer, this is precious. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. It is so sad that you and Jimmy have had to go through this, but I'm so glad that you've had each other to lean on, along with family and friends who adore you both. I sure love you two, and I am praying for you.

Remember, as you have sung all your life, "We are weak, but He is strong."

Anonymous said...

Jennifer, I am just reading this today, but oh my, how beautiful it is!! So precious & sweet!! Love you!